Yuuki -first character Bio-

[raeraewzhere]

Name: Yuuki
Gender: She-Cat
Affiliate: Loner
Rank: Kit
Age:1 moon old

Looks: Bright white with bow on neck from wandering two-leg child.

Personality: Yuuki is always curious and excited the the kitten she is! She can be talkative and demanding but is strong willed and only wants to be different and to be accepted. She also wants to be adopted by loving parents.Yuuki is a caring and an enjoyable kitten to be around... Sometimes! She can be creepy and foolish as well.

Birth: Yuuki was abandoned at the age of 3 weeks and was abused as well. Nobody but her knows her heritage and she won't tell you unless she believes your trustworthy.

History: Yuuki now roams around the territories looking for a place that will accept her. When she is not roaming, she is living with Nightmare, a black cat with pale silver eyes.

RP Sample: HUFF HUFF. Yuuki pants loudly as she runs away from a huge two- legged beast attacking her mother. She remembers her mother screaming to leave and run as fast as you can. "Don't look back Yuuki!! Keep running until you see a black cat with pale eyes! He is deaf but can help you as long as you don't cause trouble!" yowled the gray she-cat as she took her last breath of defeat and joined the ancestors above in silver-pelt. The gruesome memory replayed in her head. "Yuuki! Get up! Now!" yowled a voice. " Get up you lazy good for nothing fur-ball!" "OUCH!" Yuuki whimpers as a paw prods her awake. It was just a forgotten memory coming back to haunt her. This happened 2 weeks ago. I still live with Nightmare, the wise old cat. I hope to find a new home soon.

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[KYUU]

A three week old kitten would die alone. CHANGE IT! D< Also, loners do not use 'kit' at the end, unless they originated from the clans. If you take off the kit, you get Snow, and that is already a character. This site roleplays in third person, so you'll need to change that. ALSO, an owl would eat a small kit instead of 'take care of it'.

[KYUU]

There is still no logic in it. e.e For one, the 'deaf cat' would have to have milk. Two, kits do not actually 'speak' until they are several weeks to a moon old, when they are up and running around. Again, you still have present tense in your 'roleplay sample', though you cannot really call it that since it when from one day to a moon later in only three sentences. yay, not the only one who uses Japanese for loner names~

[raeraewzhere]

ok i need help then.. and i speak Japanese lol can you help me please?

[KYUU]

-sighs- That is what I have been trying to do. A kit should not be out and about until at least a moon on our site. Even then, they would still need their mother's milk, but they would slowly start eating freshkill. Why not have her mother take care of her up until she was weened off milk and then have her abandon her--er--have the mother killed? Where's the father in all this?

Also, on the sample, we need THIRD PERSON, meaning I's, Me's, etc. would only go in speech. Here is what yours should look like (this is using my roleplay style, so yeah... It's just an example to go off of. e.e):

She was alone. *The white kitten's mother had just been killed by a rouge tom cat. The gruesome scene replayed in her head as she scrambled through the dense undergrowth. "Momma!" Yuuki screeched. "Where are you?" Snow white ears twitch at a faint meow, and she follows after it, stumbling over tree roots and rocks. "Run, get away from here!" The she-kit's mother replies. **Stumbling blindly, she tries to find a way out. Suddenly, a deaf cat grabbed onto the scruff of her neck and carried Yuuki away to his/her home. The cat then took care of the young white kitten until she was nearing a moon old.

* This wouldn't be here due to her mother still being barely alive. Also, the kit wouldn't be able to see the scene if she was still blind in this.

** She wouldn't be trying to find a way out due to the fact that she isn't confined in anything.

[raeraewzhere]

how bout this one

[KYUU]

It is still in present tense, so work on that while in the actual roleplay. Accepted.

[raeraewzhere]

OMG THANX!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can you help me with past tense though? i don't know what it is.......

[KYUU]

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